A Lover or a Fighter

Or am I a sinner or a saint?

So many possibilities to define the type of person I am- a never ending quest of identity searching. I often wonder if we ever reach the point when we truly know who we are, truly know what makes us happy. I think we find temporarily happiness, but even that eventually makes us unhappy.

This season, all I have heard from people is that they are trying to find who they are and what makes them happy, despite the consequences this self identity quest might lead them to. But in their quest of trying to find themselves, do they not lose a part of who they are and what they are? I am the queen of saying, “I’m just trying to find who I am and what makes me happy,” so patronizing those who are doing the same would be quite hypocritical of me. But I have learned through the years of my soul searching identity that my identity is actually defined by the people I have surrounded myself with, the hobbies I have found myself intrigued (subconsciously) by, and the way I have subconsciously defined myself through appearances, verbal and non verbal communication. We subconsciously define ourselves. It’s not about finding yourself, but more about accepting yourself.

If you feel you have lost yourself in the mass of people, stop looking for yourself! When you are searching for what makes yourself happy, you’re going to find yourself depressed, stressed, and utterly lost simply because you can’t search for it. It simply just comes to you. But when it comes to you, grab it by the hand and run with it. Happiness is spontaneous- like a Soy Joy bar.

(Without searching for it, I found a new happiness. Java Chip Frap + Chai Frap = HEAVEN! Spontaneous!)

If you are having trouble accepting the definition of yourself, it might be time for a redefining of your environment. Sometimes that redefining requires letting go of people that you at one point thought you held so close and dear to your heart. Sometimes, it’s those people that are holding you back from the great potential you will one day be able to achieve. Holding on is actually harder than letting go, especially when it’s something that needed to be let go a long time ago.

It’s no easy feat, this finding yourself without looking. But I’m learning- an eager learner- to not try to define myself, to try not to think of the random little things that make me happy, to let go of all that saddens me, all that makes me feel like I’m a loss cause. It’s been rewarding. In the process, I’ve discovered so many new loves, appreciations, joys hidden in the shadows of things that I would have over looked if I was looking for them! (Like, Queen of the Stone Age’s song “I never came”! By chance I stumbled upon it and it has found a place as a new love in my life.)

But I know for sure that I absolutely love beautiful days like today (maybe with a little less wind to blow up my skirt.) Perfect temperature, perfect amount of sun, perfect amount of time with friends, and a perfect ending to the day with an awesome laugh at the play “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.” The best part of today: I didn’t go looking for it. It found me. And it made me happy.